[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
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not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
*pronounces fake like saké*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”