Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

incredible

🤣

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.