Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

nyc:

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

checking out some reviews of my local library

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

I think this cat is broken

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.