Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.