*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
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Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
For real 🤣
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
If you know, you know
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
