Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight