*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
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you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
then why did i get this email
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet