Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
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Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Just as the prophecy foretold
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]