Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
(Gaming support cat.)
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
6. me as a lawyer
