Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

Based Erika

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish