Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

out-housing market appears to be strong

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.