*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
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Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.