Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.