Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

multitasking lunch

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.