Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Please do it!

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

May have had one breakfast too many

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

Ad placement of the day

#ooh