Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

Toxic snake

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…