*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
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Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!