I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
The top ans was
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
*Calls the DMV*
Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks
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Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I’ve never felt more beautiful.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.
Me: *stabs fork into eye*
ME: Here she comes.
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!