@jessforaminute

*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks

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@chinty88

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

@MelShutUp

Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I’ve never felt more beautiful.

@DevonESawa

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

@tiffistrying

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

@sarah1mc

I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.

@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

@Swan_Corleone2

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

@ShortSleeveSuit

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!