Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR