Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
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ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
All is fair in drunk and war.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.