I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[calls wife] honey help
im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit
‘ok just stop crying’
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millenial: i wanna die
boomer: here’s climate change
millenial: not like that
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*hits wall outlet
*has amazing time being electrocuted
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: Will I be happy in 2017?
(peers into crystal ball)
Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Million dollar idea – an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.