[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
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Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.