@itshotterhere

*calls you by wrong name in bed, blames autocorrect*

You Might Also Like

@skittle624

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

@Mr_Kapowski

I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed

@AaronFullerton

Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?

@68Cly29

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

@SortaBad

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

@QwertyJones3

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

@ojedge

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

@Michael1979

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

@iamburtjarvis

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

@SortaBad

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you