*calls you by wrong name in bed, blames autocorrect*

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I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.


I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed


Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?


I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane


No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch


ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.


Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”


GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!


[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.


HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you