Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
You Might Also Like
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
👾👾👾
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.