Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I put the p in pants.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”