Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
You Might Also Like
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”