Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I have a black belt in leather
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?