Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID