Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

I don’t make the rules sorry

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*