Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

😜

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now