Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat