ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Tell me you get it…🤣
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.