Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.

You Might Also Like


I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.


sent someone a text that said “you need medieval catheter” when i actually meant “medical attention” and i didn’t bother correcting myself


Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage


Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women



My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…



Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.


Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a ‘one stop shop’ kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.


My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.


ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure