“Calm down” I suggested.

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.

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“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you


You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…


I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.


Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.


ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.


Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?


I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.


[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people


Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?