I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Don’t we all.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test