Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.