Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?