Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
You Might Also Like
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking