Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
never ask a starfish for directions
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
congratulations to them
