Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
That eye roll….
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”