Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
You Might Also Like
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver