Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Your honor these allegations are
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are