Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
