Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

they really do be looking like this

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

🤣😂🤣😂

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain