Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally