Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
You Might Also Like
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”