@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

You Might Also Like

@myles_morrison

People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?

@samuelhlowe

If your name is spelled Duhniayle, don’t hate me when I mispronounce it.

Hate your parents & their ridiculous spelling decisions.

@DamienFahey

When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”

@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@ValeeGrrl

My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.

@WheelTod

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Wife: Don’t
Me: To the wall
Wife: Don’t
Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs!
*runs*

@DemetriMartin

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.