Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!