People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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If your name is spelled Duhniayle, don’t hate me when I mispronounce it.
Hate your parents & their ridiculous spelling decisions.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Me: To the wall
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.