Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.