Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

hey, alexa

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma