Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”