Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL