Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid