Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops