Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Sing it!

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊