Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
You Might Also Like
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.