Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
LOOOOOOL
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I will never stop laughing at this
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.