Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Ok but actually
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Bruh 😂
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.