Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
You Might Also Like
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Called it
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.