Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Tuesday
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”