Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

#SuperBowl

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Oops

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?