Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
starting a garage orchestra
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?