Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”