Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI