Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*