Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me