Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
You Might Also Like
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.