Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
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“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.