Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
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My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
The Punning Dead.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?