Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option