Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

I already tried new things thanks.

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Hot Hot Hot

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are